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slippingaway
#
Reasons why New Jersey sucks.

I know, it's been a while, but I wanna post here a list we found in Donna's car from 2 years ago when we lived down the shore. It's a list we made as the summer went on, 11 reasons why we hated New Jersey, and the corresponding reasons why Philly is better. *clears throat*...


 Reasons why New Jersey is the worst place on earth.

1.) There is  NOTHING to do that oyu haven't done 1200 times already. (i.e. - miniature golf, beach, boardwalk)

2.) There is ONE mall in all of New Jersey until you reach Cherry Hill area.

3.) If you can find a radio station it will work for exactly five minutes (maybe ten) until the signal is lost.

4.) Out of the 9000 people who work here from different countries exactly 9 of them speak and understand more then three words of english. (I counted)

5.) OMG I just heard Cathy Smith laugh!!!

6.) Ocean City.....

7.) NO ONE can drive! And many people barely know how to walk properly.

8.) There is a toll at least every 20 minutes and the tolls are too retarted (because they're from New Jersey) to even register that you paid. There is no part of Jersey you don't have to pay to get out of.

9.) Jughandles... Hi Jersey, learn how to make a left turn.

10.) New Jersey has extremly high curbs make Kristin fall on her face.

11.) In Jersey, entire colonies of birds make a unanimous decision to shit on your car.

I Love Philly!! (counter reasons)

1.) Even though we always end up doing the same thing in Philly, somehow it's NEVER this boring.

2.) There are more then several malls and worthwhile shopping centers in Philly as well as Walmarts. (Which we love)

3.) Radio stations work...like...ALL THE TIME.

4.) There are just more immigrants in Jersey.

5.) Cathy Smith wouldn't be cackling in Philly.

6.) Ocean City is NOT in Philly...this alone makes Philly a better place.

7.) We can all drive pretty well. Although sometimes we can't walk properly we do it with style. Rather then with dumbfounded looks on our faces.

8.) There aren't tolls in Philly! The only tolls are on the bridges...on the way back from JERSEY! Which makes it more fun to drive around...No tolls plus more interesting things to look at than trees on the stupid Parkway.

9.) People in Philly can make left turns...And we should be proud of it.

10.) In Philly we have normal sized curbs and Kristin only trips out of her own stupidity.

11.) In Philadelphia, birds only shit on your car sometimes, and it's not so much that it looks like an extra coat of paint.

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
It's time....

The tears are pouring down my face as I write this. It feels like Halloween all over again. God it's so hard to write this. Let's recap.

 

A lot of people talk about "Where were you on 9/11" but nothing compares to the pictures I have in my head, starting on Halloween. I remember just laying in bed, I know I'd skipped class that day. The night before there had been another police shooting, but for some reason that was just news to me. Of course I was angry, but what can you expect with a city full of thugs. The next morning I did something I never did, watch the news. Another cop had been shot. This one was different. My heart broke, well it hurt, and I started crying. I didn't know this cop, so why was I so upset? My mom later told me she was at the gym, and when she saw it on the news, she just knew.

 

That's when my Dad called. I wasn't going to answer...and maybe I shouldn't have. If it would have kept you alive for that much longer in my mind, I would have never answered the phone. He told me you'd been shot, and my heart broke. I've lost before, but nothing ever compared to knowing that you'd been hurt. He said that you died. I swore it was some sick joke...that it wasn't real, but it was. He asked if I wanted to talk to my mom, and I did, but I couldn't understand her. Her voice was clouded by her cries, and that's when it hit me. God it hurt so bad. It still does. I just wanted to come home so bad, I wanted to come home and know that something went wrong, that it wasn't you, that it was all just a mix up. I knew I'd come home to a happy place, just like everytime. I knew I could.

 

It wasn't though, it was terrible. Everything was falling apart. It felt like our group had been living in a bubble these passed 17 years and it just burst. Everyone was so upset, everyone was crying, we were all so hurt. I mean honestly, how could someone do that to you. So, November 6th, my 21st birthday, but I can honestly say that was the furthest thing from my mind when I woke up. I had to get an outfit together. Something nice. I drove home 2 hours in my outfit and after meeting up with Donna, Bridget and Lauren, we got in line and prepared to wait to see you one last time. Lots of memories were shared, talking about you, about people we were seeing. I totally wish I would have been with my family, but they left earlier then when I got home.

 

I think the worst part of all this is always seeing your family upset. Especially Mom and Dad. But it broke my heart to see my little brother so heartbroken too. I really wanted to lean on him throughout this but I didn't realize he'd be hurting so much too, it really broke him. And seeing my Mom and Dad, and crying in their arms was one thing. But to do it again with Pat and Frank....Mary and Bud, and of course your wife Judy...it was honestly like seeing Mom and Dad each time and just having my heart ripped out. And Katie, Colby and John...it was just like Kyle. Christ you were all my family, and I can't express how badly this heartbreak hurt. Not just me, but seeing my family upset. All my family.

 

Anyway...I'll be honest. I couldn't really look at you. I lost it when I got up there and I got scared. You were a rock, a father to me. You were so vulnerable looking I couldn't stand it. How could someone break a rock. I felt like a child, and I still do, because I don't get it. I lost it, and thank God Lauren was there for me. She walked me out and after dinner and my first legal drink, I went home and crashed. I felt so exhausted. The next morning it started bright and early for your service. We were fine at first, but me and Kyle could only handle so many crying police officers walking by before we broke. Once we started we couldn't stop. Though it was funny how big the motorcade was to go to the cemetary, I know you probably hated it, but we had a good laugh riding in it and looking at how long it was, and how the city literally stopped for you.

 

Me and Kyle got right up front for the burial ceremony. I don't think we stopped crying from the minute we got out of the car. It was our final goodbye, and I don't think either of us were ready, and I know we still aren't. We want you back so bad, for your family's sake, and obviously for yours. We just miss you. I only remember holding on to Kyle's arm the entire time hoping that if I closed my eyes and opened them, I'd be home, this would have never happened and Kyle would be telling me to get off him because it's too sappy. But that was it. Goodbye.

 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and how tragedy doesn't begin to describe what happened. I see your picture on the news when I'm out. I saw your picture at the bar on New Years Eve, and obviously lost it, because for a few incredibly memorable years, ones I'll never forget, New Years Eve was at your place, and it was always amazing. I looked forward to the crumb cake, the fireworks...even though one year it hit the tree and Casey got hit with embers. And another when I discovered poppers, I pulled the string without realizing it would burn if I held the other side shut with my hand.....I gave the picture a kiss and wished you Happy New Years. It wasn't the same, but it was all I had.

 

So that night we went home with heavy hearts and swollen eyes. We kept an eye on the news as we had been, hearing the latest on your story. Of course we knew most of what they were telling us about you, it was John Lewis we were waiting to hear about. I could kill him myself if I had the oppurtunity....Of course tonight was especially hard to watch because we had to relieve the entire day over again. I had to watch the image of me holding onto my little brother's arm, and watch him lose it completely. I had to re-live the moment where I almost lost it and had to cover my mouth from almost screaming and cursing God out, or just plain losing myself into tears. Re-living those moments on film that night was so hard. It was like saying goodbye all over again. I still don't get why. I was always the "this happens for a reason" girl. But I don't fucking understand why God would take you away from a family who needs you now more then ever, and from a community who loved you so much, and a city who cared more then you'd know. I just don't fucking understand God. Make me understand, please.

 

 

 

So many memories. So many. I don't want to forget them. I know I won't forget you. Not ever. I try to move passed it, but theres nights where I remember being so scared for you and wishing that we could do anything to bring you back...But we can't. And I pray that when I go, you'll be up there with open arms and I can give you that last hug that I wanted to give you...I miss you.

 

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found

It won't be the same

 

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
Everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

everytime we touch

i get this feeling

and everytime we kiss

i swear i can fly

 

 

Heh. so I'm back. Been a while I know. But so much has been going on, that I just push back writing on here. But ack. I'm not falling in love, but I'm in something deep. And I like it so much because this type of whatever it is, I don't need to get emotional, like cry, or angry, I don't need to fawn over them every second of the day, and I don't need to beg them for attention, because...ack I don't know!!! I just know that right now, right here, in this moment, this time in my life, I'm truly happy. I don't regret anything that ever got me here, because, it got me here. I've only been in love once in my life, and he'll never leave my mind or heart, and I'll always love him, that's a given. He knows it, even though he acts the way he does when he gets a girlfriend and refuses to try to talk to me. I always know he loves me too. But anyway, back to this new feeling, yea...it's just something weird. I just feel that it's stable, and it's stable because it's so unstable that I know exactly what to expect from every moment, and that's unpredictability, and expecting the unexpected, knowing it will happen, all the time, is what makes it so stable. I know the unexpected will occur. Anyway, I just like being right here right now. Everyones awesome, we're all just hanging out all the time now, and we've found that no matter what happens, we'll hang out. Even when we're not allowed to be at the house all the time, it's okay, because that means people will come here, and i like hanging out at my place a lot. Aaaaand, uhm something else all sappy and weird. Oh yea, I got high for the first time the other day, it was for like a half hour, but it was the funniest half hour of my life lol. and the party on saturday was amazing too. Gotta go, dinner! i love you!

 

 

everytime we touch

i feel the static

and everytime we kiss

i reach for the sky

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
You and your disease.
Tags: blame game

Sad excuses

and false hopes high

i saw this coming

still i don't know why

i let you in

 

 

so who do i blame for this? i blame you for just utterly giving up. i blame my parents for not letting me come home every weekend, though that probably wouldn't have made a difference. i blame myself for getting way too attatched, and thinking there was something there. i blame myself for letting you get inside my skin. but i stand by my policy of no regrets. did i know it was too good to be true? yes, but like erin's quote says, i believed in the impossible. "even though they know something is impossible, why do people still believe in it?"

 

who knows why we do. but anyway, i definetly thought this would make my bad day so much worse, but actually, i feel like it made my day, and i'm not sure why. kinda awkward i know. but i think it's mainly because i knew you gave up a long time ago, but realizing now that stressing over you wasn't because i was going crazy, but it's because you're so predictable that i read you. so now i know, i wasn't so crazy, i was just holding onto false hopes. :P :P lol okay so i cried until i almost got sick, for about a half hour. but now, i can't stop giggling and laughing. :P :P lol, it's like a breath of fresh air, and all the craziness is gone. sweet cheese.

 

well at least...okay, no at leasts, i'll probably be sad later or something, and i'm sure i'll think about how i miss you later, but right now, i don't care, and it's a bit scary. the only thing i wanna know, is if you actually cared at all this whole time. have some balls this time and let me know :P :P. i still like you, so don't think i hate you or i'm against you. i'm just angry with you right now. and i should be, but i'll get over it, just like the rest.

 

So take your empty words

your broken promises

and all the time you stole

cuz i am done with this

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
A little poetry in a very lonely world.

The three of us in so many lifetimes (You, her, and I)

 

maybe next lifetime

i'll be the girl you dream of

maybe next lifetime

i'll be the girl you want to fuck

 

she'll be the beautiful one

head full of blonde hair

she'll be the perfect one

the one you die to talk to everyday

 

you'll put her first

you'll do anything for her

she'll have the cutest smile

she'll put you first

 

you'll forget about us

anything you ever felt

you'll always think about her

dwelling in the euphoria of every moment

 

maybe next lifetime

you'll be the guy i need

maybe next life time

you'll be the guy i want to fuck

 

you'll be the crazy one

the one to make me laugh when i need it the most

you'll be the understanding one

the one who knows me all too well

 

i'll put you first

i'll do anything for you

you'll have the most beautiful eyes

you'll put me first

 

you'll forget about her

everything she put you through

you'll always think about me

our thoughts will always even out

 

maybe next lifetime

we'll have something worth trying for

maybe next lifetime

you'll hold me like you mean it

 

 

 

(totally the first draft, i wanna fix it up, but i always wanted to know what would happen if i actually wrote down the weird things that popped into my head before i fell asleep)

 
#
Hey, it's me again. Picasso. I will paint my words of love.
Tags: relection

Okay so here's a few things I should update you on. The apartment is AMAZING. I couldn't ask for a better enviornment, place to live, and OF COURSE my roomates!!! It's awesome!! Me and Ry are offically going out :P:P well we have been, but I never told you mindsay. So I am now. Can I tell you that I smile about him at least 5 times a day when things remind me of him? Promise you won't tell?! SWEET.

 

So another thing, our electricity went out last wednesday. Totally out, for about 18 hours or so. Good times lol, Erin came in the room at 5:00 when it went off and me, her and Jess stayed up for 45 minutes talking about it. Then we realized that it meant no food at all, except donut holes and triscuits. Also, no hot water. It blew ass, but we got through it :P :P.

 

Totally have a fuckin painful ulcer on the tip of my tongue from stress. My classes aren't so bad so far, I haven't gotten completely lost, but I have gotten completely behind in work because I don't do my homework. My snazzy whiteboard says I have 2 tests next week. 2 quizzes this week as usual. And a lab report each week. It's fun.

 

Another thing I wanted to do today was to reflect on people who've been in my life who I've lost. Mainly family.

 

Grandma Fassnacht (great grandmom) - You were the first person to ever leave me...I remember I was 11 or so years old. And I remember you had just made it to my birthday, because you passed about a week after it. I was so excited that you made it out of your house in years just to be there. I barely remember things except when we had to clear out your house. And when I'd come to visit, your house smelt like old people. Sorry...it did. I always remember you smiling though too.

 

Great Grandma Schwartz (Mahgie) - Not sure to this day why we nicknamed you the way we did, but theres so many things I could tell you that I remember. New years day coming to your house to celebrate christmas for the 2nd time with the family. You always had your jar of M&M's. One regular, one peanut. I remember my mom singing me songs you taught her, and at your funeral, we sung one of my favorites as we tossed candy at your casket. I don't think we realized till we heard the clanking that it wasn't a good idea lol. But I'm sure you don't mind. I can imagine what you'd say while you were in it. "God dammit, you're all a bunch of nuts" Or something rather sarcastic...I remember when we'd get in your wheelchair and race around the house, or play outback or in the garage. It was always an adventure at your house. Sorry they turned it into a Commerce bank :(. Lol. I love and miss you to this day!!! And your sarcasm :P.

 

Grandmom Mellon (Nana) - Comsi Bella. That's what you alllllllllways called me and it made me smile each time. You always used to say 'Faccia Brute" (what a face)....that made me laugh too, even though I always thought you were calling me ugly. You made me proud to be what I am, Italian, and damn proud. I never cared what I looked like because of you, I"m not sure why...you hated your picture being taken. I remember when you got sick, I didn't come to the hospital except once or twice. I was scared. I hate hospitals but that's no excuse. I do hope you forgave me....I still have the poem about that penny you gave me. Along with the ornaments you crochet'd for us.

 

Grandpop Fassnacht (Pop-pop) - What can I say? I don't think anyone's still over losing you...It was so tough to lose someone who held us all together for so long. You're lucky Mommom's so strong....I can't remember to much from when I was little, but every piece of a memory I have left of you was so much laughter and dry sarcasm that you so graciously passed on to your 5 children, their spouses, and your 13 grandchildren. Even Christopher's picking up on it. I remember the day he was born and you cried. It took 11 tries but you finally got a grandchild to carry on the name. Hell even I was excited. We have Ethan now too. He'll be a Fassnacht :P You reminded me so much of Grandma Schwartz and her sarcasm that I'd always get confused about which one was your mom. I love you and miss you soooooooo much and it's still hard to think about you not being here.

 

Grandpop Mellon (Pop-pop) - "You're full of soup" You always said that to me and I remember laughing and thinking you were nuts. I hated soup, so how the hell was I full of it!? But no matter what, it was always laughing. You were always relaxed, like nothing bothered you. As long as you had your golf and a beer, it was all good :P. I know you always would come to my games, and Kyle's too...and sometimes other kids, you loved watching us play. You thought it was hilarious and loved to just sit and laugh at us. Thanks. Thanks a lot. lol.

 

I love thinking about how I fit into my family and where I got things. I know Mahgie gave me her philosophy on life about not giving a shit, and being happy doing whatever you do and just being surrounded by family. Grandma Fassnacht you definetly gave me my maturity and class...what little I have...lol...Poppop Fassnacht...definetly passed on your sense of humor and that it's okay to be crazy and really taught me to 'dance like no ones watching'. Nana, other then pride, and my love of cooking, you passed on your tendency to worry to much...I know I shouldn't but like you said when we'd laugh about you getting so worried "You'll get yours someday" and now I know what you mean :P. Poppop Mellon, you passed on your mellow attitude that life's to short to get upset or deal with drama....I miss you all and love you so much....And Poppop Fassnacht...thanks for the hugs...I keep them in my piggy bank...until I hit up the coinstar...but don't think I don't appreciate them.

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
Shards of me too sharp to put back together, too small to matter.

Yes! I'm back! Okay so the first thing I wanna do is say that obviously I'm back from the shore...It had it's good moments and bad moments. Mostly good. I think the ending could have used a bit less drama, but that's just me. Thanks for the welcome back tag Mindsay! So, next thing is next. I have a boyfriend now. And the best way to describe him is the way I've been telling all my friends here at school, and that's that he's perfect. He's totally attractive (Cute as my roomate's say :P :P), on top of having one of the most amazing personalities ever. Sure he knows when to be serious but most of the time it's all about having fun which is nice...because I like fun.

 

I have to start cutting this short because I have homework to do and sleep to get to. I'm back at school now as you probably know, and here's my schedule:

Monday:

Calculus 2                                        8:00-8:50

Environmental Chemistry                  9:00-9:50

Physics with Calculus                   11:00-11:50

Tuesday:

Calculus 2                                       8:00-8:50

Environmental Chemistry Lab      10:00-12:50

Physics Recitation                           1:00-1:50

Wednesday:

Environmental Chemistry                9:00-9:50

Physics with Calculus                  11:00-11:50

Art in America                                6:00-8:20

Thursday:

Calculus 2                                      8:00-8:50

Physics Lab                                   6:00-9:00

Friday:

Same as Monday.

So that's where I am half the time. Physics requires about 2-3 hours of homework a day. I still have yet to do a total of one hour a week. Calculus isn't so  bad yet, it's just trying to remember all the rules and derivatives and integrals and trig stuff. Environmental chem is definetly easy, I won't even discuss it. Art in America is an easy class when it comes to learning it and taking notes for 2 hours and 20 minutes straight, but we only have 1 test apart from the final, so it's just trying to remember all this shit for my tests that will be the worst part. Time to do things. Goodnight.

 

- - - - -

you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt

again when your head goes through the windshield

- - - - -

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
Shore update. #3??

Yea I totally forgot about what number this is. So we'll say three. Some things I forgot to tell you about this vacation....well I started that memory book, and one page is totally dedicated to reasons why New Jersey sucks. Theres a page of "who we saw on the boardwalk." and a bunch of other cool pages. When I get the table of contents filled up, I'll let you know.


One day me and Donna went to the zoo. It was awesome, especially on the way when Donna didn't turn onto Zoo Road, and we went on this odd street finding odd signs that jersey has up because their idiots. Like this one that had a sign for a right turn, but below it, it had a question mark, as if the sign was saying. "Make a right turn?" See, Even Jersey doesn't know how to get you unlost, they want you there forever.

 

We went boogie boarding the other day, good times.

 

So I tried to buy a $1.99 bucket in Stone Harbor, bad idea. Apparently it was $7.99 for a cheap ass bucket. Stupid Stone Harbor. *insert shoulder pain*. Work sucked. Anyway, so I told Sal about it, and his response was "You were gonna buy a bucket? How corny!!!" Then I caught him playing Miss Mary Mack in the kitchen with Ahmed...And I'm the corny one?!

 

Work is amazing, apart from it being tough, but that's life. The people are amazing and it's just the coolest experience to work on the boardwalk and mock everyone that walks by because they're to exposed.

 

*sings* Pound my knuckles hard against the floor, my head against the wall, and I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up. So I'll blame it on bad luck, and shake responsibility and say a hard life did this to me.

 

Back to blogging, anyway. So I love Bayside. Yes..I love bayside. My new 2nd favorite band. Okay, I know I had more to write about, like the pride parade and such, but I don't feel like it. I went to gay pride in philly. I loved it. It was homo. and it was amazing. Okay? Bye!!

 
#
Oh please tell me that you're alright. Yea everything is alright.
Tags: fake smile

Minor update in my life I guess you could call it. So today, I was supposed to work 12-9, but ended up working an extra hour and a half. Needless to say, I smell like various salad dressing and dirty floors. I sat at a table at one point and teared up because I was so tired and just drained. I cried in front of my friends but sucked it up. At that point I was just sick of busting my ass and putting on that fake pretty smile for some fucking asshole who was gonna tip me about 2%. I'm listening to my favorite song though so it's makeing me smile in the middle of the internet cafe. Quite odd I'd say but I like it lol.

 

You stand in the line, just to hit a new low

You're fakin the smile with the coffee to go

You tell me you're lifes been way off line

You're fallin to pieces everytime.

And I don't need no carrying on.

 

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride

 

So I had a minor bad day...I got so much to look up at. That's what's got me cheesin' like an idiot lol. That and the spanish hyenna behind me :P.

 

So I kinda like this guy...I just don't wanna talk about it at this point, because the chances of it happening are slim to none, accounting for many things. So I'll just put it in the back of my mind for right now. I think I'll put a few more things in here before doing a shore update. Right now this is my favorite song in the entire worlllld. "garth brooks - standing outside the fire"

 

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned.

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned.
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire.

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall.
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all.
They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire.

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire.
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire.

 

See, it's not so bad. I can feel my feet! Exciting enough for having to walk 30 blocks home from here. Kay, I've had enough of this blog, onto the next.

No deep cuts - hurt me
 
#
Shore Update #2

So work has been quite good, I totally have the hang of it now, except for the whole salad dressing thing, and as well as asking about a platter or pasta and stuff like that, the little things that she says the more professional waitresses will forget. So when work picks up, things should get a lot better with my money situation. I'm working on making $2200 so that I can put back in the bank the money I used for the shore house, plus a months rent up at school. After that, all money goes to get me a hot new camcorder.

 

So last night, our landlady's son in law comes down and talks to us. Mind you he's utterly creepy as well as married and has a kid. So I go in to get something and Donna runs in and goes "Get outside because I think he's coming back to roll a blunt or something" So yea, he comes back and rolls a blunt, Kristin is hiding inside and Donna and me are utterly baffled and confused. I mean...CREEPY. So he smokes it and what not..and his fucking dog ate my seashell. Bastard.

 

I'm going home on saturday night because the pride parade is sunday. Monday I'll be heading up to lancaster with Jessica Landis to meet up with Erin so we can sign the lease to my apartment :D I'm so excited! Then I should be heading back here on tuesday with my parents. Note to self: Take down the lesbian poster and put away the beer and ashtrays. Anyway...not much has happened, apart from me and the bastard's blow up in a landromat. I'm just happy he's out of my life and I can move on.

 

That's all from the sunny beaches of New Jersey.

Jessica Ann.

 
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hmm
- i wonder if i am coming down with something. my stomach is a little upset again. don't go in until 930.
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