The tears are pouring down my face as I write this. It feels like Halloween all over again. God it's so hard to write this. Let's recap.

A lot of people talk about "Where were you on 9/11" but nothing compares to the pictures I have in my head, starting on Halloween. I remember just laying in bed, I know I'd skipped class that day. The night before there had been another police shooting, but for some reason that was just news to me. Of course I was angry, but what can you expect with a city full of thugs. The next morning I did something I never did, watch the news. Another cop had been shot. This one was different. My heart broke, well it hurt, and I started crying. I didn't know this cop, so why was I so upset? My mom later told me she was at the gym, and when she saw it on the news, she just knew.

That's when my Dad called. I wasn't going to answer...and maybe I shouldn't have. If it would have kept you alive for that much longer in my mind, I would have never answered the phone. He told me you'd been shot, and my heart broke. I've lost before, but nothing ever compared to knowing that you'd been hurt. He said that you died. I swore it was some sick joke...that it wasn't real, but it was. He asked if I wanted to talk to my mom, and I did, but I couldn't understand her. Her voice was clouded by her cries, and that's when it hit me. God it hurt so bad. It still does. I just wanted to come home so bad, I wanted to come home and know that something went wrong, that it wasn't you, that it was all just a mix up. I knew I'd come home to a happy place, just like everytime. I knew I could.

It wasn't though, it was terrible. Everything was falling apart. It felt like our group had been living in a bubble these passed 17 years and it just burst. Everyone was so upset, everyone was crying, we were all so hurt. I mean honestly, how could someone do that to you. So, November 6th, my 21st birthday, but I can honestly say that was the furthest thing from my mind when I woke up. I had to get an outfit together. Something nice. I drove home 2 hours in my outfit and after meeting up with Donna, Bridget and Lauren, we got in line and prepared to wait to see you one last time. Lots of memories were shared, talking about you, about people we were seeing. I totally wish I would have been with my family, but they left earlier then when I got home.

I think the worst part of all this is always seeing your family upset. Especially Mom and Dad. But it broke my heart to see my little brother so heartbroken too. I really wanted to lean on him throughout this but I didn't realize he'd be hurting so much too, it really broke him. And seeing my Mom and Dad, and crying in their arms was one thing. But to do it again with Pat and Frank....Mary and Bud, and of course your wife Judy...it was honestly like seeing Mom and Dad each time and just having my heart ripped out. And Katie, Colby and John...it was just like Kyle. Christ you were all my family, and I can't express how badly this heartbreak hurt. Not just me, but seeing my family upset. All my family.

Anyway...I'll be honest. I couldn't really look at you. I lost it when I got up there and I got scared. You were a rock, a father to me. You were so vulnerable looking I couldn't stand it. How could someone break a rock. I felt like a child, and I still do, because I don't get it. I lost it, and thank God Lauren was there for me. She walked me out and after dinner and my first legal drink, I went home and crashed. I felt so exhausted. The next morning it started bright and early for your service. We were fine at first, but me and Kyle could only handle so many crying police officers walking by before we broke. Once we started we couldn't stop. Though it was funny how big the motorcade was to go to the cemetary, I know you probably hated it, but we had a good laugh riding in it and looking at how long it was, and how the city literally stopped for you.

Me and Kyle got right up front for the burial ceremony. I don't think we stopped crying from the minute we got out of the car. It was our final goodbye, and I don't think either of us were ready, and I know we still aren't. We want you back so bad, for your family's sake, and obviously for yours. We just miss you. I only remember holding on to Kyle's arm the entire time hoping that if I closed my eyes and opened them, I'd be home, this would have never happened and Kyle would be telling me to get off him because it's too sappy. But that was it. Goodbye.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and how tragedy doesn't begin to describe what happened. I see your picture on the news when I'm out. I saw your picture at the bar on New Years Eve, and obviously lost it, because for a few incredibly memorable years, ones I'll never forget, New Years Eve was at your place, and it was always amazing. I looked forward to the crumb cake, the fireworks...even though one year it hit the tree and Casey got hit with embers. And another when I discovered poppers, I pulled the string without realizing it would burn if I held the other side shut with my hand.....I gave the picture a kiss and wished you Happy New Years. It wasn't the same, but it was all I had.

So that night we went home with heavy hearts and swollen eyes. We kept an eye on the news as we had been, hearing the latest on your story. Of course we knew most of what they were telling us about you, it was John Lewis we were waiting to hear about. I could kill him myself if I had the oppurtunity....Of course tonight was especially hard to watch because we had to relieve the entire day over again. I had to watch the image of me holding onto my little brother's arm, and watch him lose it completely. I had to re-live the moment where I almost lost it and had to cover my mouth from almost screaming and cursing God out, or just plain losing myself into tears. Re-living those moments on film that night was so hard. It was like saying goodbye all over again. I still don't get why. I was always the "this happens for a reason" girl. But I don't fucking understand why God would take you away from a family who needs you now more then ever, and from a community who loved you so much, and a city who cared more then you'd know. I just don't fucking understand God. Make me understand, please.

So many memories. So many. I don't want to forget them. I know I won't forget you. Not ever. I try to move passed it, but theres nights where I remember being so scared for you and wishing that we could do anything to bring you back...But we can't. And I pray that when I go, you'll be up there with open arms and I can give you that last hug that I wanted to give you...I miss you.

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found

It won't be the same